In December of 2020, my husband and I found out that we were expecting again for the second time. It was a feeling we hadn’t experienced since May of 2015 with the pregnancy of our first born daughter. The moment you find out your body is hosting the future, is unique and overwhelmingly filled with an abundance of emotions. It’s motherhood.
I remember the first feeling that arrived after looking at multiple positive pregnancy tests was happiness rivaled shortly by sadness. I’ve been a mother for the last six years which has impacted my life in all ways possible; physically, mentally and spiritually. It was inevitable to grieve the changes that were to come for myself and the rest of the family with the addition of another member to the pack. Yet, happiness continuously triumphed over all feelings. I was being given the opportunity to mold a future again, a choice I had eagerly been hoping for and was ready to embark on. It’s motherhood.
In February of 2021, a week after announcing our pregnancy to the world through social media…we found out we had a silent miscarriage. During my appointment, where we were welcoming in our second trimester, we found no heartbeat. “There hasn’t been one for approximately a week,” she said. My future, the future I wanted to mold, was gone. Instantaneously, from one moment to the next. It’s motherhood.
I’ve grieved that loss for the last couple of years. I’ve been grieving a life I had pictured since I was eight years old. Two kids, a partner, a house, a car and a thriving career. In that grief though, I’ve also learned more than I ever could have without that experience. That while motherhood comes without complications for some, one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s motherhood.
From time to time, I can’t help but think about what my life would be like without that experience. Truth be told, I’m a better mother for it now. I am graced with the presence of a daughter every day, I am lucky.
As Mother’s Day approaches, I remember my experience and hold it closely to my heart. To the humans in the world whose bodies have carried or attempted to carry the future, I salute you. Motherhood is not established by the lives brought into the world, but by the strength needed to carry the unpredictable scenarios of the future you mold. That is motherhood.
I will end this entry with a message of love. On this Mother’s Day, we are thinking of you… Mothers who have lost children. Those who have lost Mothers. Those with strained Mother relationships. Mothers with strained child relationships. Those who have chosen not to be Mothers. Lastly, those yearning to be Mothers.
With sincere warmth and love,
A mother in Texas
National Infertility Awareness Week is April 24, 2022 through April 30, 2022. Please consider visiting the NIAW website and donating. Contributions to the organization help provide support, education and advocacy programs in local communities for individuals suffering from infertility.